I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
