Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
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Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
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PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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