mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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