she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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