be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
