Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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