i just google imaged poop.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
PANTIES FOUND
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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