You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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