i don't like sucking hair
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
