i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
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gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
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I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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