the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
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