I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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