So drunk its hurt
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
