my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
