my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
