just come out here and I will go home with you...
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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