Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
