I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
