i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
