New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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