Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Randomize
