The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Houston, we have a blender
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
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