I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Randomize
