trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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