apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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