Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
