just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
