we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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