My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
even my farts smell like vagina
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
