I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
