standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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