If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
