I wish I could punch you in the face.
I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
