So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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