I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Randomize
