shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Randomize
