you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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