Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
50% drunk capacity currently
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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