Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
