i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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