He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
