I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
