turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
