you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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