yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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