Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
