No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
