HIV tests are more positive than that guy
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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