I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
