I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
