So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
