I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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