im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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