his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
