Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
