My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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