I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
