I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
So apparently I’m into choking now
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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