He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Randomize
