party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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