She's JV to your varsity
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
